Why Did He Cheat? A Guide To Healing

Some of the most gorgeous women in the world are cheated on.

We see it happen in Hollywood all of the time.

Our looks, our bodies have nothing to do with if we are cheated on.

Some of the curviest ladies have the most faithful husbands and significant others.

It has nothing to do with your weight ladies.

When someone is wanting to cheat they do so because of something missing within themselves.

It has to do with the marriage outside of the bedroom.

Sure sometimes those issues leak into your sex life, causing distance, lack of emotional connection and yes lack of sex.

9 times out of 10 however, it is not the sex itself, or lack thereof, that causes someone to cheat.

If you have been cheated on the hardest thing to do is get past the WHY!

Why Did He Cheat?

Why Did He Cheat A Guide To Healing

Self-blame and even self-hate are some of the first reactions to someone cheating on you.

You think you are too fat, not pretty enough, getting too old, too saggy, etc and so on.

It HAS to be because of YOU right?

WRONG!

I always hoped that if my husband ever cheated on me it would be because he fell in love with someone else.

He did cheat, and no, he was not in love.

In fact, the person he cheated with was someone he was not even interested in dating.

She is also a co-worker of his.

I always said he was married to his work, I guess he decided to take that a step further.

It was, according to him just a one night stand.

Of course, alcohol was involved from what I am told.

In his own words, it was “just sex”.

Just sex?

His “just sex” encounter caused me more pain and anguish than had he told me he was madly in love with someone else!

The First Thing I Wanted To Know Was Why Did He Cheat!

Why Did He Cheat A Guide To Healing

We are now separated and divorcing.

Now, this is not why we are divorcing, not in and of itself anyway.

He had been out of the home for several whole weeks before he cheated.

Also, he had been on Tinder, a dating app.

Funny thing is, he did not get the chance to cheat with the poor soul he met on there.

She and I had a chat before that happened.

Of course, what he told her was far from the truth of the matter.

According to him he and I had not had intimacy in 2 years!

In reality, it was closer to 2 weeks.

The truth of the matter is that I kicked my husband out for other valid reasons prior to even discovering this.

Reasons such as, but not limited to, not coming home until the wee hours three Fridays in a row.

I kicked him out for 2 whole nights before realizing we really should go to counseling.

After some thought, I figured if I was ready to give up on my marriage the least we should do is make sure it was the right thing to do.

I asked him to come home and for us to get help.

He said he needed time to think if he wanted to do that or not.

Truth is I was still making my decision as well.

I did not want to attempt to reconcile without counseling.

That was my one demand.

During his absence, to “think”, I discovered some new truths, some very important details about him came to light.

We planned a time to meet to find out what his decision was.

When he arrived to give me his decision he told me that he did not think it was a good idea to move back home.

Later I learned that he never planned to move back home.

He had already made long-term plans to be on his own and live a single life.

By this time with what I had learned, even had he wanted to come home I was going to tell him no.

It may have been his cheating he did in that time that made him realize it was not a good idea.

Or he could have just told me then he no longer loved me.

I guess the later would have been far too easy, right?!


What is important to know is that no matter what you do, what color your hair is, or how much you love him, his cheating is not your fault!


Sometimes, he even may still love you and still cheat!

Sometimes it’s about a lack of respect.

To cheat shows a degree of disrespect for you and is simply insensitive, to say the least.

In fact, it’s not just disrespect for you, but disrespect for himself, and the marriage as a whole.

There is an added risk of being “the cheater”.

People do find out, and if the cheating party has any self-respect at all, embarrassment will always follow.

Not that I feel bad for anyone who cheats, but ultimately, they have to face the consequences from family, co-workers, and friends.

Even if they get away with it for a period of time, people will see them differently.

In my situation, there was absolutely no respect from my estranged husband.

Even if you take out the element of cheating.

The way he left, there was no humanity to it.

Absolutely no sense of decency.

Leaving right before two major holidays is bad timing for sure.

To leave without a conversation, without informing the other party it is permanent.

Just wrong.

You see, although I did initially kick him out, that is exactly what he wanted!

Keep reading to hear more on that!

I Too Had To Know The Answer To Why Did He Cheat

Why Did He Cheat A Guide To Healing

Although I have been helping others heal through similar situations for years, I too felt devastated!

Emotions happen, no matter if we are trained in handling them or not.

Even though he was already out of the home it hurt, badly!

It feels like a knife in the heart.

All of your self-confidence melts away.

When you are a mid-life woman, nearing 50, you doubt anyone will want you ever again.

You look in the mirror at your sagging neck, those fine lines, and think “I am going to be alone forever”.

Before you go there, stop.

Unless he is in fact madly in love with another woman, don’t allow their meaningless sexual encounter mean more to you than it did them!

Why Did He Cheat Then?

First, let’s get real.

Maybe he does prefer younger women.

Perhaps, just perhaps you are becoming “too old” for him.

More likely, the relationship has been dwindling for years.

That dwindling need only be on one side as well.

This means you may still be very much in love with him while he has lost those feelings for you.

I saw the red flags, you probably have as well.

We also know why we chose to ignore them.

He cheated because while he was falling out of love with you, he was preparing for his next adventure.

All the while, you are still thinking your adventures still await – with him!

Why Did He Cheat If He Wants To Stay Married?

Why Did He Cheat A Guide To Healing

Some cheating mean do still want to stay married.

Mine does not and now, I do not want to stay married to him either.

Let’s look at the case of when a man wants to:

So he says he wants to stay married.

Says he still loves you.

But yet, he has cheated.

The hard truth is, he will probably cheat again.

He may have already cheated in the past.

It all depends on what cheating means to you.

There is physical, sexual cheating, then there is emotional cheating.

My husband worked hard for years to get me to believe I could trust him.

He was an expert liar who had been emotionally cheating on me for years in various ways.

Yet, I knew.

I just didn’t want to believe!

Perhaps you do not mind emotional cheating.

Maybe you do it yourself.

If you can live with emotional cheating more power to you.

Just know, even emotional cheating does not usually stay in that semi-safe place.

Then we have what makes a man a “cheater”.

The Anatomy Of A Cheater:

Not all men are designed to be cheaters.

We have honest people and we have dishonest people.

You may have discovered that the cheating kind of man also lies about other things.

These may be small, otherwise insignificant things but they matter.

They matter because they are tell-tale signs that he could easily lie about something bigger!

Such as cheating, not loving you anymore, or wanting a divorce.

When I asked my husband how long he has known he wanted out of the marriage his reply was…

“I don’t know really. Sometime in the last year. I don’t know.”

Wow!

See, he had up to a whole year to prepare emotionally and “move on”.

A whole year give or take to be ready to date, to be intimate with someone new.

Of course, it would have been kind of him to give me a little time to deal with the impact of the separation.

Yet, I knew he had been cheating long before he left, even if only on the emotional level.

I would place a bet, however, it was more.

Cheaters Gonna Cheat:

I have not become less attractive over the past year.

In fact, I have lost a great deal of weight.

Over the past year, I have started making a much better income.

Nothing significant has changed about me in a negative way.

And just to be sure he didn’t prefer a heavier woman in his life, I checked.

The woman he met on Tinder who he had designs for is not a thick lady.

When a man wants to cheat it is because he is missing something in his life.

That does not mean he is missing sex!

You can have been giving him that every day three times a day and it would not keep him from cheating if that is what he has his mind set on!

It could be mind-blowing life-altering sex and it still won’t matter.

Trying to hang onto your man with the allure of a new negligee, or a new position is not going to change what he does.

Why Did He Cheat – The Hard Cold Truth:

Why Did He Cheat A Guide To Healing

He cheated because he is not in love with you anymore.

There, I said it.

I am sorry, I know it hurts like hell.

Right now some of you reading this hate me.

Others, you are nodding your heads in agreement.

No one who truly, honestly, loves someone will cheat on them.

Now, that is not to say he does not still love you, in some ways.

But, he is not in love with you.

Also, he certainly does not respect you!

Just Because He No Longer Loves You Does Not Mean You Are Unlovable!

Every marriage is different, as is every marital breakup.

I can’t sit here and say I know exactly what you are going through because I do not know your love story.

What I do know is that just because the man you loved, trusted, and gave a great deal of your life to stops loving you, it does not mean no one else will!

No, I am not going to preach about how many fish there are in the sea.

I think any woman my age or thereabouts has been through the whole “I will never love anyone else again” scenario.

We all know loving again is possible.

Being loved again is too!

The problem with being a mid-life woman newly single is that it’s a whole new world!

I personally felt I have been cheated of some of my last best years.

Had he told me when I was still in my mid-forties I may have felt a little better about starting over.

Instead, here I am almost 50 and thinking dang this is going to be hard!

So what? Dating is hard for the 20 somethings these days too!

With our dating app society, swiping right on a good person, who also swiped right on you is a huge crapshoot!

Dating today is such a visual world.

Back in my day, we would actually talk to someone for awhile.

Get to know them as a human being, not just an image on a screen before deciding if we liked them or not.

Sure, it’s harder when you are older, but there are as many 50 plus men on those apps as 50 plus women.

And yes, maybe they are looking for the 20 or 30 something woman, I wish them luck with that unless they are on a sugar daddy app!

They also have to have the sugar to spread around! LOL

My point is ladies, not all hope is lost and it’s hard out there for everyone.

That does not mean you are going to be alone.

You will find better matches doing things in life that you enjoy.

The key is to get out of the house and try new things that you have an interest in.

Step out of your current social circle away from the friends and people that you knew with your husband and find some new friends of your own.

This is not to say that you no longer can remain friends with the friends you had with your husband.

It’s just that you need to find a new group to add to that by doing things you’re interested in that you may not have made time for within your marriage.

You will meet new people and new men!

Why Did He Cheat A Guide To Healing:

This is not just about why did he cheat though.

It is also about healing.

Let’s discuss that a bit.

My Advice About Moving Forward:

Ask Questions:

Decide on a few questions you need answers to.

Keep them short and simple.

Ask him the best way the two of you still communicate, if you still are.

For my estranged husband, it was by text.

Do not go on the attack.

Make it about your healing, not about accusations or arguing.

Ask for permission to ask him a few questions.

This part sucks!

Asking for him to help you heal can feel disempowering.

Yet, it gives him a sense of control.

The fact truly is, however, you are controlling the conversation, he just won’t know it.

You need to know why did he cheat so you can heal and this is your best way to find out.

In addition to asking why he cheated think of one or two other questions you really need answers to.

For me, one of them was how long he knew our marriage was over.

You saw his answer to that above.

Before you ask your questions, right after asking permission, let him know that whatever answer he gives you will accept.

For me, this was hard because I always want to know more.

I can not promise you that he will answer.

Being asked why did he cheat can be confusing for him.

He really may not know.

It is not common for men who cheat to be truly introspective about why.

Once you have those answers you are on your way to healing!

It’s Okay To Cry – A Lot!

Don’t let anyone tell you that you are overreacting.

I still cry.

There were times I left the house to run an errand and had to turn back because I could not help the onslaught of emotion.

Little things will remind you of your marriage, of him, of the two of you.

It could be a song playing on the radio, or just driving by a restaurant you both loved.

The evenings alone are the worst in the beginning.

I found a lot of healing in rearranging furniture and boxing up his stuff.

My house has never been cleaner!

Crying is a natural expression of pain.

It helps, so do it, as much as you need.

Realize Life Won’t Be Easy For Him – It’s Funny About Men Who Cheat:

Not that the cheating is funny but men who cheat generally are not ready to move on either!

They may have been thinking of leaving you for years but since they decide to cheat instead of telling you how they felt, they have buried their own feelings!

By not facing truths, by not telling you in a mature way he felt he wanted to end the marriage, he has a lot of work to do!

This usually means many of his future relationships will also fail.

Especially if he is like my soon to be ex, and has already started lying to new women!

Everyone needs time to heal and repair damages caused by the marriage.

That is the next step in your healing process.

Review Your Own Faults:

This is another reason he probably isn’t truly ready to move on!

He didn’t take time to assess his own faults in the marriage.

We all have heard it’s never just one person’s fault.

I believe this most of the time, but not always.

Sometimes one person truly can destroy a marriage all on their own.

I am not claiming I caused none of the issues in my marriage.

I know that I did.

Just take time to assess your faults in the marriage if any.

Asses his faults.

Then let go of the blame because it will get you nowhere.

Trust me, I have been through every emotion in the book.

From wanting to beg him to come back, to wanting to key his car and slash his tires.

The fact is, the marriage was bad no matter how much I loved him, even with all his faults.

Trust me, they were plentiful.

I can ask myself why did he cheat a million times and the answer is always the same.

Our marriage was bad.

Ultimately, that is the answer, no matter what.

We can fool ourselves into thinking otherwise for years.

I did, and I know better than to do that!

Sure, we had good times!

You can read all about them here on the blog.

They were real, they were authentic.

We took cute photos and did fun things.

That, however, did not take away all the negativity we caused for each other.

Facing this is part of the healing process!

Instead of asking yourself why did he cheat focus on learning from what happened.

Why Did He Cheat A Guide To Healing

Once you get to this place in your healing you will realize – he did you both a favor!

That is when you are ready to move forward!

Once you have learned from the failure you can find success with someone new.

If you came across this article from a Google search you may be far from ready to hear that.

Personally, I am still in my healing process and nowhere near ready to find someone new!

Heck, I may decide I do not want someone new and opt to be single.

The truth is, none of us really need a man to be complete!

I have forgiven him though.

That is a huge step in my own healing and I do it for me, not for him.

I promise once you are able to forgive you will feel a lot better.

Forgiveness comes when you understand none of it was ever about you!

Even if you gained 25 pounds or you cut your hair and he hates it.

No matter if you have been cranky and going through menopause.

If he is still in love with you, he won’t cheat!

Why Did He Cheat?

If you simply can not get him to answer the question as to why did he cheat I have some of the most likely answers for you right here:

He cheated because he wanted out of the marriage and was not man enough to tell you.

Or, he feels unattractive and needs validation.

Perhaps he is having a midlife crisis.

Maybe he is in love with another woman, truly in love.

My husband spent a whole year wanting out and just could not, would not tell me.

Honestly, that is crueler than the cheating in and of itself!

A good man would never cheat.

Good men give their wives a chance to work toward a resolution or ask for a divorce before cheating.

Why Did He Cheat?

Because he is a jackass!

That is the truest answer.

So do your best to forgive your jackass ladies but leave him if he is not already gone.

Or forgive him and stay with him.

Honestly, I would never judge a woman for doing so!

Doing so does not make a woman weak.

Sometimes it is the smartest thing to do!

Depending on the situation in your household, finances, children, etc.

Just do not expect him to remain faithful if that is the route you chose to take.

I do not say that to disempower you or to be negative.

It is realistic to believe if he was capable of cheating once he is capable of doing it again.

Knowledge is empowering!

Being smart is empowering.

Just be mindful that if you do stay with him you can’t live in a way that is always looking over his shoulder.

That was my main fault in my marriage.

I had seen the signs, the red flags, and stayed with him.

I was that wife looking over his shoulder!

He gave me every reason to do so, and ultimately it probably pushed him away.

I am okay with that though.

Him leaving was the best gift he could have given us.

Thank you for that Harry!

You May Never Know All The Truths Behind Why Did He Cheat:

Even now, after all, I know and all the truths that have come to light, I still feel like there’s something more.

There’s this feeling that there’s another shoe that’s going to drop.

I do believe there are truths in his answers.

I believe there are bits and pieces that are correct.

Those truths, however, are out of order or significant details have been left out.

Truths that if rearranged could make the puzzle pieces fit.

Pieces that would make a very clear impression on me.

I think I know what the truth is but only time will tell.

Have you been cheated on?

What did you do?

Were you able to work things out?

Are you divorced due to cheating?

I would love to hear from you in the comments.

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Why Did He Cheat A Guide To Healing

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26 Comments

  1. February 8, 2018 / 5:01 pm

    The last thing for anybody to do is to blame themselves. Cheating hurts and I have seen my best friend go through it – it was something they were able to work through but it definitely took a lot of open communication and trust-building.

    • February 8, 2018 / 10:38 pm

      I am so glad that your friend and her sig other were able to work with it! It’s not easy but if both people have the desire to work things out it is best to try to.

  2. February 8, 2018 / 8:56 pm

    I can’t even imagine dealing with this. I have no idea why people cheat. It’s a hard thing for me to comprehend. My husband travels weekly for work and while I am lonely, the idea of cheating has never crossed my mind. It makes me happy when I see people work through it.

    • February 9, 2018 / 11:20 pm

      Me too Leah me too. It can get lonely when a spouse travels. I am sure it’s not a bucket of monkeys for him either. Hang in there.

  3. February 8, 2018 / 10:45 pm

    I have so many close friends that have dealt with this. I just pray that I never need to.

  4. Kathy
    February 9, 2018 / 7:47 am

    I couldn’t even imagine going through something like this. Must be so heartbreaking to hear this. I just don’t get why one would ever want to cheat on their significant other.

    • February 9, 2018 / 11:21 pm

      I know, even if someone falls out of love there is a right way to deal with things.

  5. February 9, 2018 / 8:06 am

    I know so many friends who have dealt with cheating. It’s such a hard thing to watch happen. 🙁

  6. February 9, 2018 / 12:31 pm

    This is such a great post, it can be so hard when you find out someone has cheated on you, I think we all try and turn it on being our own fault for some reason, which OK sometimes it maybe but often it isn’t.

    • February 9, 2018 / 11:22 pm

      Right exactly. It is okay to take responsibility for our own actions and downfalls in anything but often we blame ourselves for everything and that’s not healthy. Thank you also Sarah for the compliment on the article.

  7. February 9, 2018 / 1:57 pm

    OMG, you told this in an amazing way to help others. I went through a divorce when my older kids were little. It was devastating. It is important to take the time to grieve. Divorce is similar to a death without the person actually passing. You have to adjust to your new life.

    It is important to take time to practice self-care during this time. To help adjust to your new life, it is important to find new hobbies and things that you like to do. It will keep your mind from focusing on negative self-talk.

    • February 9, 2018 / 11:25 pm

      Thank you so much. You really hit the important parts of this article. Seriously if I had to highlight what really matters you nailed it. That and not to blame oneself for everything.
      Thank you!!

  8. February 9, 2018 / 3:22 pm

    I’ve known people go through this. As hard is it is to see them go through it, letting them know that blaming themselves is the last thing they should be doing.

    • February 9, 2018 / 11:26 pm

      Indeed Vera. It is hard to help a friend through it. There is only so much you can do but the self-blame never is healthy. It’s never one person’s fault – in any situation.

  9. February 10, 2018 / 1:17 am

    I love your message here. Too many people are quick to blame themselves for unfortunate events like cheating, but the truth is it’s not you. I’ve cheated and I still don’t know why. I just got caught up in the moment. Guess it goes both ways for men and women.

    • February 11, 2018 / 11:14 pm

      It does and I do not mean to come off as unfair to the guys by any means. You are so right though. Yup it happens and hopefully we do get a “why” as it does help the healing but often we do not. Thank you for the compliment to the article.

  10. February 10, 2018 / 12:57 pm

    I can’t imagine how hard that is. I never married and it is a good thing I didn’t. When i was dating and a relationship ended I was crushed. I always blamed myself for whatever went wrong. In hindsight I now know that they were all A-holes. When my Dad’s health failed in 2000, Mom, Dad, and I moved in together so I could help them. I was 43. I’ve been taking care of seniors in my family ever since.
    You’re absolutely right about women not really needing a man to be happy. I wish you the best, Sweet Joely!

    • February 11, 2018 / 11:19 pm

      Thank you so much Gisele. You are such a darling. Being a caretaker is hard work. Bless you for doing that for your family. Nope we do not need a man. I will admit I enjoyed having my husband here and I do still miss him even if he is an A-hole. I am getting more and more used to being on my own though. Thank you so much your kindness lifted me up.

  11. Lisa Bristol
    February 11, 2018 / 12:35 pm

    This is a great post. My friend is going through a hard situation with her Husband cheating on her. They have decided to work it out. I will have to share this post with her.

    • February 11, 2018 / 11:22 pm

      I am so sorry for her friend. I AM glad they decided to try to work it out and I do hope they succeed! I do at times wonder if I would ever be able to take my husband back and I have many good reasons to do so if I did but I don’t know – we would have to get counseling for sure. All the best to your friend.

  12. February 12, 2018 / 9:38 am

    This is such a difficult situation to be in. I don’t really want to have an opinion on it because honestly, I have never dealt with this and so I have no idea what I would do in this situation.

    • February 12, 2018 / 7:36 pm

      It is okay not to have an opinion honestly I don’t think I have a say on things myself that I have never experienced. Life will go on however and I will be stronger for it no matter what. XOX

  13. February 15, 2018 / 8:08 am

    What a powerful article. You really gave people a lot to think about with your insight. It just makes me feel bad that it happened to you. I can only imagine how much worse if children are involved. It seems like in today’s society there are a lot of mixed households–your children, his children and our children.

    • February 15, 2018 / 11:32 pm

      Indeed and it’s hard. While I support anyone in any family situation sometimes the traditional family is just easier.

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