The Art Of Being Alone And How To Discover Happiness Again

We are immersed in socialization from the beginning of our lives. Daycare, play groups, Sunday school, family gatherings, primary school, etc. As we get older some of us go right into the workforce. Some go to college, where we have roommates, date. Some of us eventually marry. Very few of us really truly learn to enjoy our own company and feel empowered in our own presence.

All too often we are over immersed in others needs and feelings. We take very little time for our own. By nature very self-focused beings. Yet we must learn to put the proper focus in the proper areas of our lives for healthy individualism.

The Art of Being Alone

I recall the first time I was ever truly alone. I was twenty-four years of age with two toddlers. My husband (at that time) had yet again run off and for me, it was the last straw. Granted I was not physically alone as I had my two children. Emotionally, however, I was very alone.

I decided that I needed to reinvent my life and focus. Of course, my children were a huge reason to get my life in order. I knew I would be of little support and guidance for them in their lives if I did not live a strong empowered life for myself. I was their only real role model. I was determined not let them follow my former path of poor choices.

While I do recall the fear of going it alone, I also recall the joy, and in retrospect, the joy far outweighed the fears. I remember my studio apartment, basically one large room with a kitchen and a tiny bathroom. It was not large but it was mine. The apartment was a three-floor walk-up and had no air-conditioning so it became very hot in the summer.

I remember that buying a fan to help blow the hot stagnant air around was a luxury. I had very few belongings but the things I had were very precious to me. It was such a joy to make my own choices on where to put my things. No one else to tell me where I should hang a picture or how it should be hung. No one else to confer with regarding which bills to pay first and which to let slide until I had more money coming in. Yes, they were scary times but the lessons I learned were worth it.

The Art of Being Alone

What I truly learned was how to keep myself busy, to find myself, to listen to my own voice and to find my true path. What I discovered was that I really did like myself.

All too often we go through our lives making choices because we do not feel we deserve better. Or we think that there will be a better option if we put off making choices now. We fail to see that forward movement is so much better than stagnation. We will not mess up our destiny or be punished by karma for making mistakes. Life is about choices, making mistakes and learning from them. When we stand still allowing fear to block our path we get nothing back because nothing is what we put out.

I learned that I could indeed be happy on my own because I began to do things. I wrote, I read more, I studied. Even though I could not afford to go back to college, I still studied. I played with my toddlers and enjoyed my time with them more. I found my playful nature again. I no longer had the drama of my previous life blocking that side of me.

Indeed there were times that sadness set in. Sometimes I still felt alone in the world. I still longed for someone to be with or talk to. Yet the desire to be with a person who did not appreciate me or treat me with respect was long gone. I had taken the time to reflect on my past. I was determined for a better future. I was in no rush to find someone to take the place of the one I had let go.

I was happy to have all the time in the world I needed to take stock of who I was. To define who I was and to determine who I wanted to be. By realizing some of my own personal faults I could more clearly see how others perceived me. Discovering my own imperfections. Not from the point of view of someone who only wished to tear me down in order to keep me with them, but from my own perspective. I was able to be fair with myself. I did not make light of things I needed to work. I also did not bash myself for being imperfect, as all humans are.

I recalled something someone once told me when I got bored or felt too alone.

”There are no boring places, just boring people. If you are too bored to be with yourself then why would others want to be with you?

That always had stuck with me. What I bring to the table in any relationship I have to get it from within myself.

I had always been so overwhelmed with activity. Others filling the voids in my life. I never really got to know myself. Realizing there were a lot of skills that I needed to develop instead of being bored, or lonely, I made a plan of action to become the best me possible.

I joined a book club, a writers group, and a parenting group. Then I started to volunteer. Through these actions, I made a lot of new friends! I found my life opening up in a way I never imagined. Before I knew it I had no feelings of being lonely, alone, or bored again.

Soon I was attracting a much better kind of people into my life. People more suited to what I needed and had to offer. I found I was learning from these people. I was respected by them. I had respect for them in return.

The Art of Being Alone

My greatest lesson was I realizing that the person that I had become had always been there. She was someone I had lost several years back. She was the person I had been and forgot about. I was so busy allowing myself to become diminished by another person who I thought I loved. A person who I thought loved me.

Our true selves are always inside of us and usually, they are scraping and crawling to get out.

Things change us, people change us, relationships change us. We have a responsibility to ourselves to do a self-check and ask ourselves “Is this the person I really am? Is this who I want to be?” If the answer is no, then start getting back on track. Don’t allow for other people or situations to drag you down. Even though it can and does happen. Through self-checks you will find it much easier not lose the you that you desire to be!

The main question I ask myself when doing my self-check is “would anyone really want to be around me? If I do not like who I am right now who else will?” The responsibility not to feel alone lies upon not feeling lonely for the person you should be. When you are feeling down and alone it may be yourself that you are missing.

I hope that you enjoyed this article. Perhaps you recognized yourself in it somehow. Please feel free to open up and share your own feelings, thoughts, and impressions about this article. We all have value, we can all learn from each other’s experiences.

I look forward to hearing from you in the comments. 

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41 Comments

  1. March 6, 2017 / 11:21 am

    I absolutely adore my alone time. It’s daily while my husband is at work and it’s the time of the day where I can reflect on myself instead of worrying if my family is happy/fed/taken care of. You definitely learn a lot about yourself when you’re alone (and I don’t mind it one bit!)!
    Erin recently posted…How to Grow Tomatoes from Seed + $500 Giveaway!!My Profile

    • March 6, 2017 / 11:44 am

      Exactly Erin! Thank you so much! I have to say I absolutely LOVE your blog! I hope some of my readers will check it out!

    • March 6, 2017 / 2:47 pm

      Exactly Tasheena! It was not until I was into a forced situation of being alone that I really learned to love it!

  2. March 6, 2017 / 4:11 pm

    I agree there are moments where one can be so immersed in the needs if others that your own are forgotten. But being alone and realizing what makes you happy is a wonderful thing. It’s even easy to forget what you like to do for fun. I make it a point to take time for myself even if it’s only an hour.

    • March 6, 2017 / 5:56 pm

      Mari I am so glad to hear you take care of yourself and get the time you need to reflect! You are right we can easily lose ourselves if we do not.

  3. March 6, 2017 / 6:30 pm

    I totally energize by being alone and so many of us have forgotten how to do it!

    • March 6, 2017 / 6:41 pm

      Exactly! I hope my article has inspired some who have. Thank you for commenting Marya!

  4. March 6, 2017 / 7:57 pm

    I LOOOVEEE being alone. I love it so much that it’s hard to be around peeps once in awhile!!

    • March 6, 2017 / 8:26 pm

      Haha I used to need to be around tons of people but over the years became more of an introvert! Sounds like you may be one too. Not a bad thing!

  5. March 6, 2017 / 7:59 pm

    Alone time….? Yes please. I thrive on quiet time to myself. I feel rejuvenated after spending time with my thoughts or favorite hobbies.

    • March 6, 2017 / 8:25 pm

      So good to hear so many are taking great care of themselves and getting in plenty of alone time. Thank you for commenting!

  6. March 6, 2017 / 9:25 pm

    This is such an inspiring post. I truly think that its important to learn how to be alone with yourself. It’s like you said, if you can’t love yourself how can you attract people who will love you. Absolutely agree with every single word you’ve said here.
    Quirky Engineer recently posted…Office Chic: Power Dressing for The Modern Indian WomanMy Profile

    • March 6, 2017 / 11:09 pm

      Indeed and it takes some effort like anything else but it is healthy to do.

  7. March 7, 2017 / 1:39 am

    Omg I love this blog post! I never really had trouble being alone but recently I appreciate it even more because it really has taught me to be happier. This blog post was so inspiring and I really enjoyed your insight! Thanks for sharing!

    ~Crissy
    http://www.whimsicalfawn.com

    • March 7, 2017 / 11:26 am

      Thank you Crissy that is so sweet of you to say! I agree that we can be good at being on our own but realizing the value of it later on. I think realizing the value is key.

  8. March 7, 2017 / 4:48 am

    SUch a great write up! “Doing” certainly helps!!! I’m glad you focused on doing

    • March 7, 2017 / 11:25 am

      Thank you Oyinkan! I appreciate the compliment! Thanks for reading and commenting.

  9. blair villanueva
    March 7, 2017 / 5:02 am

    I always enjoy my alone time. That’s my time I have to grab my book and sit quietly in a cafe having breakfast and enjoying the view. Or at night sipping champagne while listening to melody. All of my alone moments are very productive.

  10. Natasha
    March 7, 2017 / 8:04 am

    I love being alone, I’ve always been comfortable in my own company and I love to just sit and read a magazine in a coffee shop whilst at uni – some people can’t even go to the toilet alone these days! lol

  11. March 7, 2017 / 10:04 am

    I am an extrovert, but I enjoy my alone time. I need it to charge my batteries and spend time with God. When we learn to be content with ourselves we become content in other places of our lives too. Thanks for sharing!
    Sheila Schweiger-Rhodes recently posted…Things to Do When Someone You Love Is DyingMy Profile

    • March 7, 2017 / 11:22 am

      Thank you Sheila. It is wonderful that you take time for yourself to recharge! I think it is wonderful when there is balance in all things. One can be an extrovert and enjoy their “me time”.

  12. March 7, 2017 / 11:07 am

    Standing alone doesnt mean that you are alone, it only means that you are strong enough to handle things all by yourself. This is a great post. Staying happy is all that matters.

    • March 7, 2017 / 11:21 am

      Thank you! It is so important to learn the skill of enjoying time by yourself.

  13. March 7, 2017 / 1:03 pm

    So true. We must enjoy being around ourselves. Now, I find myself craving “alone” time more than ever. I’m my own best friend!

  14. March 8, 2017 / 7:39 pm

    I don’t get much time alone these days. Sometimes I crave just a few minutes everyday. I do need to take better care of myself.

  15. March 8, 2017 / 9:36 pm

    This post hits home for me. I just had a baby (she’s four months) and I always loved my alone time before she was born. Now I am never alone and I miss it. I sometimes feel like I’ve lost myself in my child. But this post encourages me. Thank you so much for sharing this.

    Alicia Nicole xo
    https://www.mymelanatedbeautiful.com/

    • March 8, 2017 / 11:04 pm

      Nicole don’t feel bad for feeling that way. I think we all go through a major adjustment period after having a child. I am glad that my article helped some. Much love to you!

  16. March 8, 2017 / 9:43 pm

    I haven’t lived alone but like you said, I can’t wait for that side to come out.

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