It's that time again for more introspection with #BehindTheBlogger - a writing prompt and link up group that I am proud to be a part of. Please check out my previous #BehindTheBlogger posts which will be linked at the bottom of this post as well as the link up of other bloggers and their articles from this week's prompt "The Moment My World Stopped Spinning"
Honestly, I almost did not participate in this specific #BehindTheBlogger article. I kept thinking about what to discuss that I have not already somehow talked about in previous #BehindTheBlogger articles. This theme just seemed too similar to others. After some contemplation, I figured out what I can tell you about.
You see, by the time you hit midlife, at least for me, one has experienced a lot of moments when they feel their world has stopped spinning. Granted some of these moments are far more intense than others. I have discussed finding out my daughter had type 1 diabetes, I have discussed finding out my daughter had cerebral palsy, and I have discussed many other scary, and heart wrenching moments I have experienced in pervious #BehindTheBlogger articles. Not to minimize any of these experiences I felt wrong about leaving them out, but at the same time I did not want to rehash the same information I have already provided.
With that said I had to assess what the most literal form of this theme I could go with and I finally figured it out.
The Moment My World Stopped Spinning:
This past year, I am pretty sure I almost died. Don't worry, I am fine, nothing is medically "wrong" with me, at least not that a million tests could find anyway. However, one night, pretty late in the evening, I was working on my blog. Everyone else in the house was already fast asleep so I was alone, at the far end of the house in my office.
Suddenly I began to feel strange. My heart was racing faster than it ever had before, my eye sight became blurry, it was very difficult to breathe as well. Then I began to get pain radiating from my side to my chest. I was sure I was having a heart attach. Perhaps being worried about this sent me into some sort of panic attack, but I managed to Google heart attacks in women, because I recalled the symptoms for women can be much different from those in men. From what I was reading, it sure sounded like a heart attack!
I slowed my thinking down, and tried to collect myself, knowing that I could be making things worse by panicking. I attempted to go get some cold water but my legs were not working! I was so weak, I could barely walk and was holding the wall to get to the kitchen.
I realized things were not getting better, and I was not sure if I could manage to go wake anyone but I had to try.
I literally crawled across the house, we have a long ranch style home so this was no easy feat. I literally army crawled down my hall way into my bedroom where my husband slept.
It was not easy to wake him, he sleeps hard, unlike myself who wakes if a pin drops. By this time I was barely conscious, and I was becoming very nauseated, my head was also swimming and I felt I was about to pass out.
My husband called the ambulance. By this time my daughter was awake standing over me, as I lay on the floor of our bedroom. If you ever wonder what you may be thinking the moment you think you are dying, I will tell you what I was thinking. All I could think of was that my daughter still needed her mother and I was going to leave her all alone. Granted she has her family but no one can replace a mother who loves you so dearly! I kept muttering to her "I am so sorry" because I honestly thought I was dying.
The paramedics arrived first. Of course. They got me to a chair where they attached a bunch of equipment and started analyzing me. I actually began to feel a little better when the ambulance arrived. Granted this all took some time because we live in the country. Luckily we have a fire department only a few blocks away which is why they were able to arrive so quickly.
They asked me a bunch of questions, most about my symptoms, what order they occurred in, where I felt pain, and so forth. They could not seem to figure out what happened or what was wrong with me, if anything. They did mention panic attack, but nothing really could have set one off. Prior to all of this happening I was feeling very productive, nothing was stressing me out, I just was enjoying getting my work done. Granted I could have panicked after the symptoms started, but that does not explain what caused the initial symptoms.
I was taken to the hospital where I underwent all sorts of tests mostly on my heart, but they also do some other things as well such as imaging, sonograms, cat scans, etc. They wanted me to do an MRI but I did literally have a panic attack when they attempted to do this as it was not an open MRI and I can not stand enclosed spaces! The MRI was not conducted. I think they should have offered to drug me to do that!
So after all of this, they released me a day later, with an "all clear" medical assessment.
To this day I do not know what happened. Theories abounded with the different doctors, technicians, and family. Most think it was exhaustion and that I was working too hard, sleeping too little, which is true, I do tend to do that, but it still does not explain the radiating pain that caused me to be unable to breath, and the dizziness, let alone the inability to walk! I could understand had I just simply passed out!
Regardless, that is the day my world stopped spinning, because for a good hour of my life, I thought I was for sure going to die.
I wish I could say I had some deeper thoughts, regrets, joys, or those movie like snap shots of my life all the good times, and people who I loved. All I could think of was my daughter and the idea that I would be somehow abandoning her. I sort of feel bad I did not think of my son or husband however I assume that is because my daughter was the one standing over me as I lay on the floor - dying or not dying. My husband was on the phone with 911 not in my line of vision and my son was not home. I do know my daughter needed me more at the time than anyone else however.
I will say having been through this experience, I think I would prefer a longer time to say my goodbyes to everyone when I am on my way out. While I hate the idea of a long painful death, and would never want to suffer cancer, or something like that, it would allow for time to say what I wanted to say to everyone rather than a moment of panic where your mind is just not capable of processing what you want to say.
Then I consider Alzheimer's, a long suffering for family with the inability to think clearly to say anything of meaning anyway. I would never want to put my family through that! However, if only considering myself, with the exception of Alzheimer's I would prefer that time to say my goodbyes!
So that is The Moment My World Stopped Turning. I am very thankful that it started spinning around again!
Thank you for joining me in my #BehindTheBlogger series! I hope you will check out the link up below and read some other posts from other wonderful bloggers!
Please leave me a comment about what you think of my post, or tell me about your own moment when your world stopped turning.
Thank you for reading a story from #BehindTheBlogger Hop. Every 2 weeks a group of bloggers is given a writing prompt. These prompts are very open ended, so our bloggers can write about whatever they desire. The main rule is that their blog post directly relates to the topic of that week. The point of this hop is for our readers to get to know us on a personal level. Please hop along and read all of the blog posts in this weeks hop. Just click the links below. If you want real and raw emotion, then you will find it here. After you read each post, please comment and share. We want to get to know you too!