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Wednesday, September 23, 2015

It Was The Worst Of Times #BehindTheBlogger

Hello! It's time for another #BehindTheBlogger article! I have been involved in this blog hop now for a few posts, here is the link to my last one, It Was The Best Of Times, some which you will find connects to this post, and Who Do You Think You Are?

Todays topic is It Was The Worst Of Times. Each blogger uses the same topic and runs with it, allowing for them to take it any direction they may choose. Please see the hop linky at the bottom of this post to read what the other bloggers in the #BehindTheBlogger hop are writing about!

And now ... It Was The Worst Of Times ...

When I think about even touching upon this topic I am reminded of a great quote that I first heard from a book which I think was by Erica Jong. This quote pretty much sums up how I feel telling my whole truth would be. This is probably true for most any woman!

Instead of even trying to sum up my "Worst of Times" in one blog post, based on one horrible thing, I will do my best to list out 10 of the first worst times that come to mind, just as I did in my previous post It Was The Best of Times

I really hope that you will go read that article as well as it will help you connect a few dots here perhaps. Just like in my Best of Times post, these are in no particular order. 

1. Finding out my daughter had Cerebral Palsy. It took forever to get a diagnosis and I was even lied to by one doctor before I found one that was not directly involved in the process of my daughter's birth to tell me her condition. He took one look at her and knew what was wrong, which is how I know the former doctor lied. That and since he could have been sued if I were the suing type, since he delivered her. CP happens during deliver, not enough oxygen gets to the brain. This causes minor up to severe defects in the brain. Luckily my daughter's mental function was not effected, although she does stuggle with emotional issues, she is a very sharp and intelligent person. She did however have to have multiple foot, and angle surgeries, as well as a neurosurgery in able to walk. She walked before, but literally on her tip toes like a ballerina. Anyway all of that is behind us now! 

2. Finding out my daughter had diabetes! Type 1, just like me. Something as simple as a cold or flu virus can cause it. Not many people know this about diabetes, but we all have the cell living somewhere inside of us, just like cancer! I have type 1 diabetes, so I knew what my daughter was in store for, for the rest of her life. I was so mad because when I took my daughter to the ER the doctor on duty was not sensitive at all. After fighting with him for an hour to do a blood test, since he refused to believe mom could possibly know her daughter had diabetes, ( I knew because I had had it my whole life, knew the symptoms, plus had checked her blood sugar on my own glucometer ) he agreed to do the test. He sheepishly came back later to say "I guess I need to learn to listen to moms more often" I wanted to kill him. When I found out for sure, because I didn't want to believe I was right either, I broke down crying, only for this ass of a doctor to say "Why are you so upset? It's not that bad!" Uggggg! Excuse me!? Poking and prodding oneself for a lifetime, the unmeasurable expense of a lifelong illness, medication, doctors visits, not to mention the havoc it can cause other organs in the body. Again he is lucky to be breathing still today. Anyway - that is the short version of this story but it truly was a worst time in my life, and my daughters! Oh and yeah CP AND Diabetes...what fun right!? 

3. The loss of my baby after 6 months pregnancy at the age of 19. This coincided with us moving to Texas only 2 weeks later. The move had been planned, as he had a great job waiting for him there, but due to losing our baby, being so young, and emotionally unprepared for such a loss,  (not that anyone ever is) I moved back home to my family support system a few months later and we eventually divorced. 

4. The day I found out my dearest, life long friend was in a really bad car crash and would never walk again. 

5. The day I found out my crazy, fun, friend passed away, on the toilet. I know it may sound crude of me to mention where she passed, but trust me, if she were alive today, she would be angry if I did not mention it. She was the Rob to my Big. The funny part is she was a large black woman, and her personality was far more like Rob than Big. I on the other hand was more of the straight-man in our duo, more like Big. We had spent the better part of 5 years in an inseparable union of chaos, fun, and frivolity! However, the day I found out she had passed was the worst not only due to her passing, which is obvious, but we had been through a falling out and had not been speaking for a few weeks. 

Rob and Big from MTV's Reality Show

6.  The day my dogs Glover (bottom image) and Brandy (top image) passed away. This year we lost two of our three dogs. Glover and Brandy. The photos below were each taken not long before their passing. I can see in their eyes they were not as they once were. There is a special kind of sadness that comes with losing a pet. They are indeed like family, yet they are totally unable to tell you how they feel or what they want. Brandy who you see here cuddling her kitty Tibet, passed only months after glover, we know partially due to a broken heart. 

7. Being bullied all through school for various reasons. In grade school it was due to being an early bloomer. I am only five foot three inches on a good day now, but in school I sprung up fast, so fast I was the center on our Jr. High girls basketball team. I was of high school age before others shot past me in height. However, in grade school, I developed fast in other ways too, getting a large chest, while others were still flat as pancakes. My rear end was quite perky, but these things were something to be shunned about I guess, back then. Boys joked that if it rained they could stand under my rear end to keep dry. Teachers treated me different. Girls for the most part disliked me, although in retrospect they probably were only fearing what would happen to their bodies. I do not recall much open discussion back in those days about developing bodies, or acceptance of others. 

In Jr. High it was not so terrible when it came to body image, yet I was bullied by someone new, of all things one of my cousins, and her group of friends. To this day I do not know why. All I recall is suddenly one day my cousin decided it was time to stop, because we were after all cousins. She called off her group of friends. Another girl I was actually quite close with for a full year decided she hated me when her brother developed a crush on me. She threatened to take my insulin away from me, tie me up and watch me die. 

In high school I had a new bully, who was a very intimidating large girl for her age. She towered over everyone else in the school, nearly 6 feet tall, and very built looking. She would show up anywhere I tried to go from an arcade, to a party. One night the cops had to be called due to her threats of bodily injury. Needless to say I dropped out of school, quickly tested for, and received my GED. 

8. When I was in 6th grade a young man in our neighborhood decided to put his sights on me as a target. This guy was around 19 years of age at the time. He began to leave things hidden around my yard for me to find.  These "things" were cigarettes (I did not smoke) and dirty magazines (I had never seen one nor did I want to). My friends and I disposed of them immediately without telling any adults. Again back then we were too afraid to talk of such things. One night he decided to break through the screen in my window, put his hand through, and touch me inappropriately. All I remember is being in a sleepy daze, frightened, I got up, went into my mother's room, and got into bed with her. I did not tell her about this for years. I guess he got what he wanted because he stopped. My only fear is he found some other target. Sadly this was not the only time in my childhood something like this happened. A friend's father also touched me inappropriately one time, I however called my mother right away to come get me. I did not tell her what happened, rather just said I was not feeling well. 

9. When I was 18 a boyfriend, who I discovered was a major drug addict, to some pretty heavy stuff, held me hostage for 8 days, during that time he threatened to kill my cat if I tried to leave, held a gun to my head, stepped on my chest and held me down, and finally, and thankfully left, stealing my car to go get more drugs. I called my father, he and his brother came to get me, and that they did, after doing some pretty intense damage to his place and belongings. He totally deserved it. 

10. Someone very close, very dear to me, has went to prison this year for conspiracy of trafficking marijuana. What I will say is that this person has been known to take the blame for his friends in the past. I can't be sure he isn't to blame, but I know for sure he isn't fully to blame. Because this is not my story to tell, that is all I will say about it. Nonetheless the pain of seeing this young person go through this, and missing him, is deeply painful. 

So that would be the top 10 most horrible things that come to my mind here at the age of 46 and I sure hope that is the worst times I ever see! Granted there are spattering of other bad times, not so happy times. I have lost loved ones, but in a way I feel that is the natural process. I had a hard life growing up as a child with a drug addicted father. I have lost other friends, been through my own physical issues, but for some reason all of those things seem natural, or normal at this time in my life. 

Life can be cruel, it can be hard, but it shapes us into who we are. 

If I could go back and change anything I would not. I would not want to change who I have become, and what I know now due to the things I have been through. 

I may go back and change some things for others. If I could change my daughter getting sick and ending up diabetic I would. If I could keep that young person from going to prison I would. To do this however I would also have to change so many tiny elements, going back through the entire butterfly effect to shift energies and realign things, it would not be humanly possible. Sometimes some things are just going to happen, necessary perhaps, for each of the involved individuals souls to grow. I am a firm believer in free will, and that we can change our path, thus change the course of things to follow, however I also know that if we do not get the experience of the bad, along with the good, we do not grow as deeply on the spiritual level, and perhaps not be as well equipped to empathize with others, to help others. 

So for all of the pains, the issues, I have faced in my life, I am thankful, because I am always able to hear someone else out, and understand, if not at least empathize. 

Thank you for reading my #BehindTheBlogger Post - please check out these other wonderful blogs below and see how they interpreted the them "It Was The Worst Of Times" 

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 Thank you for reading a story from #BehindTheBlogger Hop. Every 2 weeks a group of bloggers is given a writing prompt. These prompts are very open ended, so our bloggers can write about whatever they desire. The main rule is that their blog post directly relates to the topic of that week. The point of this hop is for our readers to get to know us on a personal level.  Please hop along and read all of the blog posts in this weeks hop. Just click the links below. If you want real and raw emotion, then you will find it here. After you read each post, please comment and share. We want to get to know you too!

I love comments! Please join in discussion, ask questions, or leave tips for other readers. Comments truly are the driving force behind any blog as it helps the blogger to know what you, the reader want to see more of!

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